I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
