he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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