New invention idea: vibrating tampons
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
