I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
