you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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