Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
