Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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