ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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