his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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