if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
