sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
