Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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