Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
