he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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