the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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