my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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