I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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