Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
