Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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