the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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