I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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