If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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