apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
