She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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