It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
