Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
is wine microwaveable?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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