Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
