There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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