I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
