Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
