The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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