I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
