there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
