I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think your dad took our porno
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
