I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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