I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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