were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
