Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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