I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
