I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
