My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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