when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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