I just threw up on my dentist
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
