Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
