My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
