we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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