Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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