I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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