Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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