God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
