The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
