I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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