sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's rum buckets o'clock
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
