I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
