I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
