If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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