my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
