I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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