Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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