Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
