she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
