You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As shirtless as possible
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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