mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize