well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
