Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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